The Gift in Sorrow: Qigong and the Power of Unconditional Love

During a painful time in my life when I thought I had no way out I had an amazing dream. I knew this dream was important for me because when I awoke I felt a deep sense of peace. I felt so happy and although I had been experiencing an intense period of anxiety and fear I knew that everything was going to be alright. 
 
My dream took me to an ancient place complete with a desert, mountains and a large body of water. I was a child of perhaps 10 or 11, walking with a wise, loving man I knew as my master. Master meant teacher of those things that all of us wonder about. Who am I? What is life really about? What is my purpose? He had a firm yet kind, playful character and there was a sense of knowingness about him as if he could see right through me.

Barefoot, the girl walked next to her master. She could feel the heat from the sand against her feet as she stared longingly at the treasure in her hand. Although her teacher was speaking she couldn’t make out the words as much as the feeling behind them. The same warmth she felt on the bottoms of her feet came from her teacher’s heart. It didn’t matter to the teacher that the girl was lost in thoughts of the treasure she held and wasn’t fully listening. Their connection was of the heart and one day she would understand.

They walked side by side until they approached a lake with a bridge alongside it. As they neared the water and started toward the bridge the girl dropped her treasure, the small penny she had been holding in her hand and in her mind. The coin fell, rolled beneath the bridge and became lost in the pile of rocks. Filled with compassion, the master stopped to look for the coin. The girl waited until the teacher pulled his hand from among the rocks and with a smile opened his hand to reveal a small statue of the Buddha. Not the treasure she had wanted, but still, she remembered how fondly she had felt towards the Buddha and how she had been drawn to those teachings. Graciously she smiled and accepted the small replacement statue and started across the bridge with her teacher.

At first she felt delighted with her new treasure. It seemed that this statue was even better than her old coin. Yet after they crossed the bridge the girl began thinking about her penny, lost among the rocks. She stopped as if stuck between two worlds as her teacher continued walking until he came upon a group of children and knelt down beside them. Although he was looking at the other children she could feel him “watching her” with his mind as she turned and ran back across the bridge toward the rocks where her penny had been lost. As she ran it struck her that even though she had run off she could still feel her teacher’s love for her. 

When she came upon the bridge a sense of panic overcame her, adrenaline filled her body and with superhuman power she reached for the bridge and pulled it away from the rocks. She stared at what had been the rocks beneath the bridge only to find they had transformed into human bodies huddled together, naked and crying. As she felt their suffering she could hear her master speaking to the children on the other side of the bridge. He said, “Life is a house of sorrows - and your greatest sorrow is your greatest gift.”

The girl awoke. No longer her dream self, she was home in her waking life, a middle aged woman wrapped in a down comforter next to several fluffy pillows. Although her life was blessed with a loving family and many friends, off and on she had been stricken with a sense of anxiety and dread that would mercilessly haunt her, yet today, as she awoke from her dream, she felt a deep sense of peace and somehow she knew there had never been any need to worry. Later, even though the moment had passed, the memory lingered, reminding her that everything really was alright.

From the dream girl’s attachment to her treasure, the suffering of humanity beneath the bridge, the spirit of the Buddha, to the unconditional love of the teacher my dream seemed to hold deep messages about life, suffering, attachment and love. What strikes me today are the words of the teacher, “Your greatest sorrow is your greatest gift.” I have often wondered how my greatest sorrow could be a gift. My middle name is Rose and perhaps like the lotus flower grows out of the muddy water I too could transform what had been dark into something of such beauty.
 
When I was a child my stepfather whom I loved and had tried so hard to make happy had sexually abused me. There had been other kinds of abuse, but it was the crossing of those fragile boundaries that was my greatest sorrow. Even though it had been decades since I had been that little girl, somehow aspects of those very old memories had been kept alive, lodged within my body and mind, creating anguish and shame, and interfering with my enjoyment of life as a grown woman.

My journey towards healing and wholeness has taken me down many paths. Today I practice Spring Forest Qigong, a form of meditation and healing which appears to be the culmination of my search for wholeness and the ability to transform my old sorrow into a gift. Whether it’s the simplicity and beauty of the practice or I’m finally ready to let go, I can’t say for certain, but what I can say, is that it works. I feel less anxious, happier and more at peace every day. My patterns are changing. Where I used to withdraw physically and emotionally when I felt ashamed or cornered, I am better able to hang in there, face my fear and even open my heart to the person or situation.

My reaction to touch is different too. Touch that used to make me pull away or afraid feels different - even pleasant. A simple example is that I hated to have my face touched, even having my hair touch the sides of my face was uncomfortable and after a short period of time I’d find myself pinning my hair back. It seems silly to even talk about it, because it’s really such a small thing, but how interesting that now I enjoy having my face touched. My husband noticed this too and also commented on how much more relaxed I am when he touches my neck and other more intimate parts of my body. It’s small, but it’s part of a huge transformation for me. Many things that used to create tension and fear within my body either don’t have that same affect or pass very quickly. It’s amazing.

In Spring Forest Qigong we say that there is no good energy or bad energy, only too much or too little, energy that is stuck or misplaced. That concept is pretty easy to understand when it comes to the body. The systems of communication within the body need to remain open and balanced, too much or too little energy in one area can cause stress, create blockages and even lead to a serious medical concern.

But what about the energy in our minds? What about our thoughts and perceptions? They are also a form of energy and can cause pain or happiness. Thoughts lead to emotions which directly impact our nervous system. Most of us have experienced the impact of emotions such as hatred, fear, or anguish within our bodies. By contrast we have also experienced how feelings such as happiness and gratitude create a whole different set of sensations within the body.

As my dream somehow suggested, thoughts, emotions and sensations in our bodies are energy waiting and ready to be transformed. Even the thoughts, emotions and sensations from our “greatest sorrow” are simply energy - a powerful energy that has been tormenting us, but energy none the less. What if we could take this energy and transform it into something beautiful - something that could bring happiness to others? Now that would be the ultimate alchemy! That kind of transformation is exactly what qigong is about. “Qi” refers to energy or vitality and “gong” means to transform. In qigong we learn to balance and transform energy. We learn to become “energy masters“ which is a fun way to say that we learn to use the energy within our body and mind instead of the other way around.

How do we learn to master our energy? First, we need to become aware of it. As we practice Spring Forest Qigong active exercises (moving meditations), breathing exercises and seated meditations we learn to experience, accept and direct the energy within our body and mind. We also learn that we can connect with and help direct the energy outside of ourselves to help create healing for others. This is a beautiful way to experience that on a deep level we are all connected, whole and loved.

The source of this powerful healing energy is the love of the Universe and although this love is always a part of us we experience it most fully through forgiveness and kindness. These are the tools which can transform my greatest sorrow into my greatest gift. In the beginning they may seem to ask too much. For example, it seems as if forgiveness wants to me to admit blame or condone an action I know to be wrong. Yet that is not really what forgiveness asks of me. Forgiveness simply asks that I let go and choose to be happy again.

One day during a meditation class, a friend shared her experience with forgiveness. For several weeks we had been practicing a guided meditation which involved letting go of grievances and she happily announced: “I was able to forgive someone and it will change the lives of everyone in my family.” Her entire family! We all clapped for her. It was so exciting and although it has been years since I have seen her and I’m not certain at what level she was able to hold onto her awareness it illustrates the power of forgiveness. When we forgive we transform the energy that had been tormenting us. This impacts the lives of everyone in our family and of everyone whose life we touch. Our healing is their healing. This is one reason our sorrow can be our greatest gift. It can be our opportunity to change the world through expressing our deep, undying, unconditional love.

How do we become more intimate with this love? In Spring Forest Qigong the treatment includes body, mind and spirit and involves techniques utilizing breath, mind and visualization, sound and gentle movement.

Physically: I change the way my body responds. I re-train my body. This is done with movement and breath as we explore simple yet powerful moving meditations and breathing exercises.

Mentally: I change the way I think and perceive. I re-train my mind. This is done through meditation, intention and visualization. An ancient saying says, “Conquer your mind and you conquer the world.” As we practice qigong and learn to change our thinking our world shifts, new possibilities appear before us and we experience the truth of that ancient wisdom.

Spiritually: I connect with a deeper reality, my deeper self and my God. This place transcends anything that is “wrong” in my world. Through meditation I connect with my spirit and I learn to carry that awareness into my daily life.

Many people see sexual abuse and other childhood trauma as something that takes many years to “work through” or cannot really be transcended at all. Particularly when it comes to sexual abuse it is as if there is no place to graduate and become “healed.” In a way, I think that many of us with that experience “mark” ourselves as damaged goods and perhaps a part of us simply gives up hope. But why shouldn’t we get to live a happy life?  As we grow what happened as a child is further and further in the past and there is a whole new world to see. Life is beautiful. People love us. But can we allow ourselves to fully experience that love? Qigong can help us learn to trust, experience and fully accept and express the love that is all around us.

Through my experiences with qigong and meditation I have become more intimate with my body, my mind and my soul. Sensations come and sensations go. Thoughts come and thoughts go. My spirit quietly watches. When I open my heart my spirit speaks, thinks, moves and shines. That is how I wrote this poem:

The Rose

It came to me
Sharp like a blade of steel
As heavy as the world

It cut into me
And I lay wounded
Trapped beneath the weight of it
Terrified and alone

My heart grew weak
As I became lost in the pain
Engulfed by darkness

Little by little
As if by magic
Light filters in

My heart grows stronger
My smile returns
First I manage a small wiggle
Then a big wiggle
Finally my entire body is in motion

When I spring forth
My friends are with me
Joy connects us
Laughter fills our souls

When I look back
At the blade that had cut me
The weight that had held me down
It has gone
Vanished
All I can see is a rose

As I inhale its essence
Petals blow across my face
Across my entire body
Caressing me

Now when I meet someone
I reach inside myself
Pull out my rose
Offer it to them

If they accept
I watch
As the petals drift off the rose
Ride the wind
Caress them

Sometimes our eyes meet
They smile at me
A knowing passes between us
Our hearts are as one

When I look deeply, there is nothing in my past I would trade- not even my greatest sorrow - if I had to also trade what it has given me. My sorrow has taught me compassion and forgiveness and revealed to me the power of unconditional love. Compassion, forgiveness, love - those are life’s true treasures. With those treasures I create happiness for myself and others.

Kristin Masterton